I'm aware i have written not one thing in tis whole year….i had a lot of stuff i DID want to write…..but dramatic changes, lessons, and complete destruction of an imperfect integrity or flawed set of vague rules which i adhered to were completely shattered. Thus, i had all the mental knowledge someone could piss in your ear…but realised i owned very little of that i had to say.
once again, this is my rant…for me..my kids..and anyone who cares to hear…i so not reread them..yet…i do not correct spelling, dodge "foul" language or correct my punctuation…this is me as it flows when the time is right.
small history…I've worked my ass off since i was very young. feeling empty despite physical or mental stimulation…and this has only grown stronger…..i know that what has been missing…that emptiness that something is just not in place…has always been me…'it's all fun and games til someone loses an 'I'….then clarity and the horror of your lie you've been living kicks in…bad thing? fuck yeah its hard to look at yourself and not know who the fuck you are or where you belong.good thing? fuck yeah, time to rebuild.
my spiritual journey has been fuelled initially by mysticism and visions and anything outa this world…but all these things are merely another thought that must be observed, and let to rest.
space and silence are the only two things…for me…that are timeless, unknown, and their depths possibly unknowable.
with a game of piggy in the middle of two main spiritual structures or teachings, i have found my place, for now anyways.
between the solitude and meditation, the almost aesthetic lifestyle of the recluse and the other side of the shamanistic magic or full physical contact dealing with and observing energy in it's flux….i found a thread……
this thread is the following string in a twisted, dark, enchanted yet scary forrest.
this thread uses a combination of techniques designed to free ones self from the mind..NOT of it.
it is more of a psychological approach to an inevitable following,finding and transcending my patterns that have run their course. the layers which this thread take you through are so deep and boggling that i have become aware that we not only need to transcend what we have been fed by our peers etc in this life, but centuries of the same or similar patterns handed down to evoke an identical emotion or reaction within.
i realise all the work i put in to give me peace and detachment, had worked very well in a secluded environment, with no one to mirror back and evoke the emotions still held but lying dormant. this time transcended a lot…and i realise all it really did was set me a ruffled nest of awareness to sit back into once it came time to face everything else i still held.
upon reflection after some time of observation and thread following, i noticed a predictable yet varied human response that regardless of the catalyst, it was the same for most people, same, but translated differently by them depending on the level of awareness.
i was left with nothing! except a bunch of mind stuff i'd read and was no where near or desired to babble about for the sake of sounding like i knew what i was talking about.
so everything i knew, everything that dictated who i was, was just another story….
from this point…a brother now needs an anchor! and it was hard to find one that would hold, still is.
my point here, is that i found a thread, waving etherically in the consciousness, and i grabbed it.
the journey of true seeing and transcending begins! not that anything before was wasted or bullshit…it was just no longer all relevant.
following this thread to each reactive area within the body is what has shown me that it is all my shit. nothing you do or say is ever wrong or blameworthy. i watched actions, then felt the emotion rise from a particular area, and then followed thought or anger or…just reaction and unease.
the thread itself spits into what seems like infinite fibres that run deep thru this rabbit hole to each corresponding reaction zone.
So this now becomes a psycho/spiritual journey….. in short, in order for "spiritual" realisation, the psychology must be observed, undone and transcended. if the transcendence is fruitful, consciousness expands, and little by little one begins to feel more whole.
everyone who is put in front of you is merely a pawn in your game…no offence…this is my observation, so take it or leave it….
each and every person or situation stirs some kind of emotional response…everything becomes an attack on that brick wall we had built for us that we call 'me', and slowly the wall begins to crumble.
so in a large sense, that wall is who you believe you are…and now you are realising its bullshit and as it falls, so does the preconceived idea of me.
now this can feel no more or no less like death! because thats exactly what it is….as u undo yourself and realise these ideas, thoughts, stories, lies are not you. you are the shiny clean foundation for which they began to build, laying there watching as this monstrosity weighs you down and silently witnessing its rise and fall.
once again, back to the point……each time i have a reaction… i feel it at its roots, and i follow the thread to its foundation and stare at it like a 3 year old child throwing a tantrum…and i decide this is not fuckin cool! so begins the work on undoing the knots of belief that these reactions are tied so tightly to…always in the energetic system, one energy wheel/chakra or another. with each unraveling comes the conscious expansion and energetic rise within…we just claimed a piece of peace back again. not saying this shit wing happen time and time again!, but it lessons until it becomes background noise or a muffled picture behind the shiny, peaceful truth….there was never a problem, it was man made and we bought it…
this too, not a bad thing! for how would we know to look for the light if there was no darkness to compare it to?
this has been, and will be a long road…i'm impatient and a control freak….. obviously something I'm learning to transcend…for after all, who is it that is impatient and controlling? once that wall is completely gone, so are you. the idea of you. the story with all its emotions and petty reactions. and as a believer in fate….and i use the word belief warily here, what is or was there ever to control??? and who? and why???
watching every interaction thru the awareness, not the mind alone, for the awareness will feel the truth and the path for you, and then follows the thought to put it into action.
this has been my work! even on the most petty shit, jealousy, desire etc….shit i admittedly didn't think i held..but being back in society for the last few years has shown me that I've needed these mirrors/people to piss me off! make me jealous etc…so i could then see that this is all trapped within me and i need to follow that thread to its source and undo it.
i feel now after the most brutal year ever!!! that thru the chaos, the divine has its plan and the best thing to do is watch it play out, react from a place of truth and peace…not from a made up set of living codes…but those codes must be undone so the truth can play its roll and expand and heal.
i guess the goal is to unravel it all! but in order to do that, you need to face it all! and that suuuucks!! but the light at the end is this… none of it was ever real to begin with! and once it is all seen through and we are able to act from a position that has pure motive, a position of wholeness and peace….everything will be perfect….even in its current, apparent imperfection…
this is my journey at present….and its tough…and its tough trying to find someone, anyone to play along and bounce off, to quicken the evolution so that we may actually be able to help people from truth,,,give them what they need…which is rarely what you think you want when you come to this.
i am so far from done…but i have no choice but to follow this at all cost…and sometimes the costs are so heavy that in dark times when the fruit of understanding hasn't fully ripened, the pain is unbearable! but a definite shove to speed this shit up.
i will be back to tell how this goes for me…..then again, i may be back and say something different yet relevant to the energy at the time…after all, we are all made of energy, and its nature is to change, then comes the contradictions for the human…but it is what it is, and it reveals what it needs to, however it needs to, and we need to be constantly watching and diligently tending to that internal and eternal garden.
peace
gregos
